Release

OPENING REMARKS FROM THE &quot;LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN&quot; <br />ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK <br />

(Monday, June 12-Friday, June 16)

"Sunday is Father's Day. It's the day that we honor dad for a lifetime of support by giving him a Tom Brokaw book…It's the day we honor dad for a lifetime of support by giving him a nose hair trimmer…It's the day we honor dad for a lifetime of support by giving him a card with a crude joke about his diminished sexual capacity."
* * *

"And then, about this time every year around Father's Day, I get a call from my mom, and she says, 'David? Don't forget to send a card to Larry King."

* * *

"Did you hear about this? Al-Zarqawi, they knocked him out over the weekend, and Al-Qaeda has chosen a new leader in Iran. His name is Abu Hamza Al-Muhajer. Yeah, he's the new Al-Qaeda leader in Iraq, and it's a huge step for this guy because his last job, he was in charge of corporate gifting."

* * *

"Yeah, they didn't waste any time – Zarqawi was killed and they named this Abu Al-Muhajer – or as the Special Forces refer to him, 'Next.'"
* * *

"Oh, here's interesting news from the Pentagon, ladies and gentlemen: according to autopsy results, Al-Zarqawi, cause of death: choked on a ham sandwich."

* * *

"You know, the Iraqi terror mastermind, Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi is dead…Anyway, his successor: Abu Hamza Al-Muhajer, and if anything happens to that guy: Russell Crowe."

* * *

"Iraq's prime minister has implemented – he's got some things going on there in Iraq: he's got a curfew, has tried a curfew now; there's a ban on personal weapons; and, if that works, President Bush says he's going to try the same things on Dick Cheney."

* * *

"You heard about Al-Qaeda's new leader in Iraq, Abu Hamza Al-Muhajer? This guy is everywhere: earlier today, he was on Iraq's big morning show, 'Live with Mohammed and Kelly'…Al-Muhajer was on the show promoting his new Father's Day book, Big Ahmed and Me.'"

* * *

"Ladies and gentlemen, here's a program note: earlier tonight, here on CBS, was the 'Ghost Whisperer'…Well, you know what the Ghost Whisperer does? The Ghost Whisperer runs errands for dead people. They will be contacted by a dead person and then the Ghost Whisperer will find out what they need and take care of it. And earlier tonight on the show, the Ghost Whisperer picked up the mail for Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi."

* * *

"Well, you know, it was about a week ago that they bombed Al-Zarqawi, and they're now sifting through the remains of the house where he was bombed and they're finding some unbelievable things. Earlier today, for example, they uncovered the body of Jimmy Hoffa."

* * *

"But the big news of the day is President Bush made his second surprise visit to Baghdad – flew in and out, a surprise, nobody knew he was coming. He sneaked in and out of Baghdad and it went so well that they now have a secret plan to sneak a guy in and out of Condoleezza Rice."

* * *

"Well, how about this? Good news from President Bush: at a press conference yesterday, he was upbeat, he was cheerful, he was optimistic. That's right, he's drinking again."

* * *

"You know, they say he is having a pretty good week, and you've got to give him credit because earlier in the week, President Bush quietly sneaked into Iraq. Well, here's an idea: why don't we quietly sneak out of Iraq?"
* * *

"President Bush -- I thought this was interesting: if you look at it comparatively, President Bush quietly sneaked into Baghdad and nobody knew about it. President Bush sneaks into Baghdad, nobody knows about it. Bill Clinton, on the other hand, sneaks into an intern, everybody knows about it."

* * *

"Man, is it a beautiful day today in New York City?...It is so warm and beautiful here in New York City today, Al Gore said, 'To hell with the glaciers.'"

* * *

"Speaking of sandwiches, listen to this: a man in Las Vegas a couple of days ago ate 47 grilled cheese sandwiches in ten minutes. Forty-seven grilled cheese sandwiches, ten minutes. Last week, the same guy ate 50 hot dogs, and guess what? Here's the best part, girls – he's single."

* * *

"…There's talk that Mayor Bloomberg of New York City may run for president. Mayor Bloomberg running for president – I thought there was a height requirement."

* * *

"Now, here's something kind of creepy: you know astrophysicist Stephen Hawking? Listen to what the guy is now saying: he's saying that the world is coming to an end and we'll all have to move to outer space. Can you imagine a family packing up, moving to another planet? It sounds like a Bonnie Hunt movie, doesn't it?"
* * *

"Oh my God, it's my favorite time of year: it's graduation time. Do we have any grads in the audience tonight? You know, I couldn't wait – when I was a kid, I couldn't wait to get out of school when I was a kid. Of course, when I was a kid, we weren't having sex with our teachers."

* * *

"Here's the latest deal on the Hurricane Katrina/FEMA situation: Apparently now, FEMA, the relief fund's $1.2 billion were spent on things like a divorce, a divorce; a sex change. Does this make you angry? Are you angry? Are you angry because you had to pay for your own divorce and your own sex change?

* * *

"Here's one – you probably want to hang on to something for this: any New Zealanders in the crowd tonight? Anybody here from New Zealand? Well, they have a big, new attraction: it's a live sex show. And what they do, they have bulls, actual bulls mounting a simulated cow. Good to see Ann Coulter getting some work."

* * *

"I was talking to the audience about this earlier: what a beautiful day it is here, isn't it, ladies and gentlemen? And it was so beautiful, earlier today down in Washington, D.C. that Patrick Kennedy walked into a concrete barrier."
* * *

"Graduation time of year -- do we have any grads in the audience? And I don't know if you are aware of this but New York City has a lot of honor students: 'Yes, your honor', 'No, your honor,' 'Not guilty, your honor.'"
* * *

"A big story coming out of Home Depot: they found $145,000 worth of marijuana at a Home Depot, $145,000 worth of marijuana at a Home Depot. I was shocked. I mean, I've been to Home Depot. I can never find anything."
* * *

"You folks watch the 'American Idol,' you know that show? Well, it's a talent contest and it's very popular and this year it was won by this guy named Taylor Hicks. Well, listen to this: People magazine has now named him the sexiest bachelor in America. Sexiest bachelor in America – what am I, invisible?"
* * *

"Let me ask you a question: do you like Hollywood romance stories? Here's a pretty good one: you know Jennifer Aniston -- and, by God, I have seen her in person. She is lovely – just a wonderful, wonderful woman. Well, listen to this: Vince Vaughn – you know Vince Vaughn – tremendous actor. Apparently now, he has purchased for Jennifer Aniston a $500,000 diamond ring, $500,000 diamond ring. So, this means they are either thinking about getting married or he pulled a Kobe."

* * *

"Boy, you can tell summer is just around the corner – you know what I'm talking about? Earlier today, General Grant left for his tomb in the Hamptons."

* * *

"Do we have pet lovers? Pet lovers in here? For $7,000 now, you can buy a cat that's no allergenic. $7,000 – if you have allergies to a cat, cat dander, very popular allergenic, if you have cat dander allergies, for seven grand you can buy a cat and it's non allergic. Here's an even cheaper solution – how about a dog?"
* * *

"By the way, congratulations to Oprah Winfrey – you know, she has 'The Color Purple' right across the street from us in the theater right there. Oprah Winfrey won a Tony Award, Oprah won a Tony Award for 'The Color Purple'…I think it's nice to see things finally going Oprah's way."

* * *

"You know, this is the kind of thing, and I don't even know what to say about this, but here is a new videotape and I guess you can download it on the Internet. And you know what it is? It's O.J. Simpson – how many of you remember O.J.? Heisman winner? But you go to the Internet and you download this videotape and it's O.J. Simpson and he is having sex with two women. I just think to myself, 'You know, girls, girls, if you're going to have sex with the guy, maybe think about Googling him first."

* * *

"But O.J. is outraged. He claims that the guy on the tape is not him and he says that he is now going to devote the rest of his life to finding the real – oh, well, you know."

* * *

The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.

    Show Contacts