Release
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN" <br />ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK <br />
(Monday, May 8-Friday, May 12)
"But now listen to this: 'Mission Impossible III' did not do as well at the box office as hoped for, as expected, and Tom Cruise, frankly, is very upset about it. They did not sell as many tickets. He is so upset that he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some anti-depressants."
* * *
"Did you hear about this? The director of the CIA, the Central Intelligence Agency, Porter Goss, resigned surprisingly, I guess on Friday he resigned. He says he wants to spend more time giving bad intelligence to his family."
* * *
"But they named a replacement for Porter Goss, big surprise – Rosie O'Donnell."
* * *
"Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you saw the Kentucky Derby on Saturday? A horse named Barbaro won, and what a thrilling race. But there was trouble – did you see it near the finish line? Barbara, the winning horse, had to swerve to miss Patrick Kennedy."
* * *
"But I'll tell you, for me, the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex, honestly, because it costs me 50 bucks and it's over in two minutes."
* * *
"Earlier tonight, maybe you didn't see this – on ABC, they had a big movie about bird flu. How many of you folks are worried about the bird flu? So, ABC has got this big TV movie all about the bird flu. It's called 'Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America'…But the movie, the bird flu movie, here's what it is: government officials – the bird flu is coming – government officials are slow to react to the growing disaster. I mean, seriously, where do they come up with this stuff?"
* * *
"You folks like magic? You know what was on earlier tonight on ABC – that David Blaine, the New York City street magician. You know the guy I'm talking about? It was crazy. On the special tonight, he held his breath for nine minutes. And I'm thinking, well, hell, I had to do that on the subway."
* * *
"But don't kid yourself, this David Blaine is really very good. He escaped from 150 pounds of chains. And, not only that, but on Sunday, he's getting out of brunch with his mother."
* * *
"Oh, last night, David Blaine – do you know who David Blaine is? Oh, my God, they had a big show on ABC, and David Blaine, the New York City magician, was submerged in a globe, a sphere of water for like a month, and then last night, before he gets out of the sphere of water, he was going to hold his breath for nine minutes, but that's the record. Nine minutes would have been the record. He failed to break the record. He only held his breath for seven minutes, but he did break the record for being a dumb ass."
* * *
"But afterwards, David Blaine was shaky, he was disoriented, but he was able to walk on his own, and – oh, no, no, that was Patrick Kennedy."
* * *
"I want to tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how you received it around the country, but here in New York City, we're still talking about that fantastic David Blaine magic special, two big hours on ABC. He's sealed in a chamber of water, and he wanted to set the record for holding his breath, and the record was like eight minutes, 58 seconds, and he wanted to go nine minutes. He didn't. He only went seven minutes and set the record for being a dumb ass…I once held my breath. I was thinking about it yesterday, I once held my breath for seven minutes -- it was during a home pregnancy test."
* * *
"Oh my God, speaking of that, you know who was on the program last night? Britney Spears was here. Britney Spears was on the show last night, and while she was here in the theater, her baby was driving around looking for a parking place."
* * *
"…There's a new survey by the AMA that says that you can prolong your sexual encounters if you joke around. You can add ten minutes to sex if you joke around. And, you know, that's great, but for me, it's a little awkward with the cue cards."
* * *
"Anybody here have allergies? It's crazy. It's like on of the worst allergy seasons on record…So bad, earlier today, Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin."
* * *
"But it's not all good in my world: this morning, I get to work and on my desk, there's an 18-page letter from the president of Iran…Here's something cute: you know, he dots his "I's" with little mushroom clouds."
* * *
"Buy, you know, this guy, the president of Iran, sent George Bush and 18-page letter – from the President of Iran to George Bush, 18 pages. Yeah, like he's going to read that."
* * *
"Well, you can tell that summer is just around the corner ladies and gentlemen: earlier today, Dick Cheney injured an old guy in a fishing accident."
* * *
"I don't know if you know about this, but the federal government is now monitoring telephone calls of millions and millions and millions of Americans...I just want to say one thing: if they've been listening in on my phone calls, honest to God, if the government has been monitoring my phone conversations, by God, they should be paying half of my phone sex bills."
* * *
"Yesterday, the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion dollar tax cut --capital gains -- and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program."
* * *
"Down in there Washington, D.C. last week, listen to this: there's a guy, in Washington D.C., just a guy and he's searching through garbage and he finds -- you know what he finds? He finds a copy of President Bush's travel plans...And, I'm thinking, why don't we put this guy in charge of looking for Bin Laden?"
* * *
"You know, there's another movie opening this weekend. I don't know if you this, it's a remake of something called the 'Poseidon Adventure.' Do you remember, it was a long time ago, like in the 70s, and here's the idea of the movie: it's the U.S.S. Poseidon and it's a huge luxury liner cruise ship and there's some kind of problem – isn't there always some kind of problem? And the big huge Poseidon thing goes belly up – it's just like President Bush's second term."
* * *
"If I look a little frenzied, if I look a little harried, if I look a little rattled, if I look like somebody has just taken me and shaken me, if I look that way, it's because today coming to work I get a lift from Patrick Kennedy."
* * *
"By God, how many of you folks saw 'Mission Impossible 3,' opening last weekend?...This is Tom Cruise's most impossible mission yet – his mission now is to keep the Kennedys out of trouble."
* * *
"News from the world of sports: how about that Barry Bonds?...He's one home run away from tying the record of Babe Ruth's home runs, 714. He's one home run away, and I was thinking to myself, 'Man, imagine what this guy could have done if he'd been on steroids.'"
* * *
"Hey, this is exciting if we have a folks from out of town, and I believe we do -- the world's largest cruise ship is docked right over there in the Hudson. It's crazy. It's the Freedom of the Seas, 150,000 tons. It's huge, and it will be there until Saturday -- or until it's stolen."
* * *
"Oh, Mother's Day this weekend: happy Mother's Day to all the mothers. Mother's Day, of course, is the day we honor the women we blame for all our personal problems."
* * *
"Every year it's the same thing on Mother's Day: I call up my mother and I say, 'Mom, I love you and Happy Mother's Day,' and then she'll say, after a pause, she'll say, 'Who is this?'"
* * *
"But Mom, actually, I was a little disappointed. She was going to come and visit this year for Mother's Day, but it turned out she hasn't earned enough Greyhound miles."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
"But now listen to this: 'Mission Impossible III' did not do as well at the box office as hoped for, as expected, and Tom Cruise, frankly, is very upset about it. They did not sell as many tickets. He is so upset that he called Brooke Shields to see if he could borrow some anti-depressants."
* * *
"Did you hear about this? The director of the CIA, the Central Intelligence Agency, Porter Goss, resigned surprisingly, I guess on Friday he resigned. He says he wants to spend more time giving bad intelligence to his family."
* * *
"But they named a replacement for Porter Goss, big surprise – Rosie O'Donnell."
* * *
"Oh my God, ladies and gentlemen, how many of you saw the Kentucky Derby on Saturday? A horse named Barbaro won, and what a thrilling race. But there was trouble – did you see it near the finish line? Barbara, the winning horse, had to swerve to miss Patrick Kennedy."
* * *
"But I'll tell you, for me, the Kentucky Derby is a lot like having sex, honestly, because it costs me 50 bucks and it's over in two minutes."
* * *
"Earlier tonight, maybe you didn't see this – on ABC, they had a big movie about bird flu. How many of you folks are worried about the bird flu? So, ABC has got this big TV movie all about the bird flu. It's called 'Fatal Contact: Bird Flu in America'…But the movie, the bird flu movie, here's what it is: government officials – the bird flu is coming – government officials are slow to react to the growing disaster. I mean, seriously, where do they come up with this stuff?"
* * *
"You folks like magic? You know what was on earlier tonight on ABC – that David Blaine, the New York City street magician. You know the guy I'm talking about? It was crazy. On the special tonight, he held his breath for nine minutes. And I'm thinking, well, hell, I had to do that on the subway."
* * *
"But don't kid yourself, this David Blaine is really very good. He escaped from 150 pounds of chains. And, not only that, but on Sunday, he's getting out of brunch with his mother."
* * *
"Oh, last night, David Blaine – do you know who David Blaine is? Oh, my God, they had a big show on ABC, and David Blaine, the New York City magician, was submerged in a globe, a sphere of water for like a month, and then last night, before he gets out of the sphere of water, he was going to hold his breath for nine minutes, but that's the record. Nine minutes would have been the record. He failed to break the record. He only held his breath for seven minutes, but he did break the record for being a dumb ass."
* * *
"But afterwards, David Blaine was shaky, he was disoriented, but he was able to walk on his own, and – oh, no, no, that was Patrick Kennedy."
* * *
"I want to tell you something, ladies and gentlemen, I don't know how you received it around the country, but here in New York City, we're still talking about that fantastic David Blaine magic special, two big hours on ABC. He's sealed in a chamber of water, and he wanted to set the record for holding his breath, and the record was like eight minutes, 58 seconds, and he wanted to go nine minutes. He didn't. He only went seven minutes and set the record for being a dumb ass…I once held my breath. I was thinking about it yesterday, I once held my breath for seven minutes -- it was during a home pregnancy test."
* * *
"Oh my God, speaking of that, you know who was on the program last night? Britney Spears was here. Britney Spears was on the show last night, and while she was here in the theater, her baby was driving around looking for a parking place."
* * *
"…There's a new survey by the AMA that says that you can prolong your sexual encounters if you joke around. You can add ten minutes to sex if you joke around. And, you know, that's great, but for me, it's a little awkward with the cue cards."
* * *
"Anybody here have allergies? It's crazy. It's like on of the worst allergy seasons on record…So bad, earlier today, Rush Limbaugh admitted he was addicted to Claritin."
* * *
"But it's not all good in my world: this morning, I get to work and on my desk, there's an 18-page letter from the president of Iran…Here's something cute: you know, he dots his "I's" with little mushroom clouds."
* * *
"Buy, you know, this guy, the president of Iran, sent George Bush and 18-page letter – from the President of Iran to George Bush, 18 pages. Yeah, like he's going to read that."
* * *
"Well, you can tell that summer is just around the corner ladies and gentlemen: earlier today, Dick Cheney injured an old guy in a fishing accident."
* * *
"I don't know if you know about this, but the federal government is now monitoring telephone calls of millions and millions and millions of Americans...I just want to say one thing: if they've been listening in on my phone calls, honest to God, if the government has been monitoring my phone conversations, by God, they should be paying half of my phone sex bills."
* * *
"Yesterday, the House of Representatives passed a $70 billion dollar tax cut --capital gains -- and it's all part of President Bush's 'No Millionaire Left Behind' program."
* * *
"Down in there Washington, D.C. last week, listen to this: there's a guy, in Washington D.C., just a guy and he's searching through garbage and he finds -- you know what he finds? He finds a copy of President Bush's travel plans...And, I'm thinking, why don't we put this guy in charge of looking for Bin Laden?"
* * *
"You know, there's another movie opening this weekend. I don't know if you this, it's a remake of something called the 'Poseidon Adventure.' Do you remember, it was a long time ago, like in the 70s, and here's the idea of the movie: it's the U.S.S. Poseidon and it's a huge luxury liner cruise ship and there's some kind of problem – isn't there always some kind of problem? And the big huge Poseidon thing goes belly up – it's just like President Bush's second term."
* * *
"If I look a little frenzied, if I look a little harried, if I look a little rattled, if I look like somebody has just taken me and shaken me, if I look that way, it's because today coming to work I get a lift from Patrick Kennedy."
* * *
"By God, how many of you folks saw 'Mission Impossible 3,' opening last weekend?...This is Tom Cruise's most impossible mission yet – his mission now is to keep the Kennedys out of trouble."
* * *
"News from the world of sports: how about that Barry Bonds?...He's one home run away from tying the record of Babe Ruth's home runs, 714. He's one home run away, and I was thinking to myself, 'Man, imagine what this guy could have done if he'd been on steroids.'"
* * *
"Hey, this is exciting if we have a folks from out of town, and I believe we do -- the world's largest cruise ship is docked right over there in the Hudson. It's crazy. It's the Freedom of the Seas, 150,000 tons. It's huge, and it will be there until Saturday -- or until it's stolen."
* * *
"Oh, Mother's Day this weekend: happy Mother's Day to all the mothers. Mother's Day, of course, is the day we honor the women we blame for all our personal problems."
* * *
"Every year it's the same thing on Mother's Day: I call up my mother and I say, 'Mom, I love you and Happy Mother's Day,' and then she'll say, after a pause, she'll say, 'Who is this?'"
* * *
"But Mom, actually, I was a little disappointed. She was going to come and visit this year for Mother's Day, but it turned out she hasn't earned enough Greyhound miles."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
