Release
OPENING REMARKS FROM THE "LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN" <br />ON THE CBS TELEVISION NETWORK <br />
(Monday, April 24-Friday, April 28)
"You know what the problem is here in New York City? Allergies -- folks have allergies? It is really bad here in New York City this season. It was so bad over at Grant's Tomb today, he couldn't stop sneezing."
* * *
"By the way, speaking of Grant's Tomb, it's the 109th anniversary of Grant's Tomb. He's been there 109 years -- but you know what that's like: you find a place on the West Side, you don't want to get rid of it."
* * *
"I'll tell you something about New Yorkers, they can surprise you. I was riding in a cab the other day and when I got out; I'd left my wallet in the cab. Has that ever happened to anybody? But New Yorkers can surprise you because I thought, 'Oh my God, there goes my wallet.' A couple of days later, I get a call from that cab driver and he wants to know what the spending limit is on my Visa card."
* * *
"Here's the other nice thing in New York City: when you come to visit, crime is at an all-time low, and because of this, they have put up these security cameras on light poles at intersections. That's why crime is so low. It's incredible -- security cameras on every intersection and it's getting to the point where you have to leave town to take a leak."
* * *
"Oh, how about those gas prices -- are you going crazy? The gas prices are so high that Britney Spears' baby is driving a hybrid."
* * *
"You know what it is? It's prom season. Everybody excited about the prom? I can remember my first prom. It was very exciting, and I went to pick up my prom date and I remember to this day the words she said to me when I picked her up. She said to me, 'You're not a cop, are you?'"
* * *
"I'll be honest with you -- and this is in my book -- my prom date was a disaster. I pinned a corsage on her and she deflated."
* * *
"Now here's the kind of thing you don't like to hear about: out there in California, there was a 76-year-old guy who was arrested. He was going door to door posing as a doctor. Seventy-six year-old guy in California, door to door, posing as a doctor, offering free breast exams -- nice try, Regis."
* * *
"You are looking at a very happy guy, ladies and gentlemen. People magazine has published its annual '50 Most Beautiful People in the World' list. I'm on the list. Yep, I'm kind of low on the list: I'm right between Scooter Libby and that fat guy on 'Lost.'"
* * *
"You know what this weekend is? It's crazy how time slips away from you -- this weekend is the annual NFL draft. We're thinking about football already this time of year, the annual NFL draft. And it's a time of year that some unlucky college kid has to pretend to be excited about joining the New York Jets."
* * *
"You know what else today is? 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' were you aware of that? This was a holiday invented by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy, when he was seen leaving his office with a 19-year-old year old girl."
* * *
"Another birthday -- it's the 153rd birthday of Central Park. Central Park, yeah -- 800 acres of unspoiled beauty, or as Donald Trump calls it, a waste."
* * *
"It's Saddam Hussein's 69th birthday. How about that? Did you know that, 69th birthday, Saddam Hussein? He is in a room alone, cut off from his wife and relatives -- and that's punishment?"
* * *
"But Saddam says that he doesn't want any gifts for his birthday. No, what Saddam really wants is a California jury, that's what he wants."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
"You know what the problem is here in New York City? Allergies -- folks have allergies? It is really bad here in New York City this season. It was so bad over at Grant's Tomb today, he couldn't stop sneezing."
* * *
"By the way, speaking of Grant's Tomb, it's the 109th anniversary of Grant's Tomb. He's been there 109 years -- but you know what that's like: you find a place on the West Side, you don't want to get rid of it."
* * *
"I'll tell you something about New Yorkers, they can surprise you. I was riding in a cab the other day and when I got out; I'd left my wallet in the cab. Has that ever happened to anybody? But New Yorkers can surprise you because I thought, 'Oh my God, there goes my wallet.' A couple of days later, I get a call from that cab driver and he wants to know what the spending limit is on my Visa card."
* * *
"Here's the other nice thing in New York City: when you come to visit, crime is at an all-time low, and because of this, they have put up these security cameras on light poles at intersections. That's why crime is so low. It's incredible -- security cameras on every intersection and it's getting to the point where you have to leave town to take a leak."
* * *
"Oh, how about those gas prices -- are you going crazy? The gas prices are so high that Britney Spears' baby is driving a hybrid."
* * *
"You know what it is? It's prom season. Everybody excited about the prom? I can remember my first prom. It was very exciting, and I went to pick up my prom date and I remember to this day the words she said to me when I picked her up. She said to me, 'You're not a cop, are you?'"
* * *
"I'll be honest with you -- and this is in my book -- my prom date was a disaster. I pinned a corsage on her and she deflated."
* * *
"Now here's the kind of thing you don't like to hear about: out there in California, there was a 76-year-old guy who was arrested. He was going door to door posing as a doctor. Seventy-six year-old guy in California, door to door, posing as a doctor, offering free breast exams -- nice try, Regis."
* * *
"You are looking at a very happy guy, ladies and gentlemen. People magazine has published its annual '50 Most Beautiful People in the World' list. I'm on the list. Yep, I'm kind of low on the list: I'm right between Scooter Libby and that fat guy on 'Lost.'"
* * *
"You know what this weekend is? It's crazy how time slips away from you -- this weekend is the annual NFL draft. We're thinking about football already this time of year, the annual NFL draft. And it's a time of year that some unlucky college kid has to pretend to be excited about joining the New York Jets."
* * *
"You know what else today is? 'Take Your Daughter to Work Day,' were you aware of that? This was a holiday invented by a quick-thinking Ted Kennedy, when he was seen leaving his office with a 19-year-old year old girl."
* * *
"Another birthday -- it's the 153rd birthday of Central Park. Central Park, yeah -- 800 acres of unspoiled beauty, or as Donald Trump calls it, a waste."
* * *
"It's Saddam Hussein's 69th birthday. How about that? Did you know that, 69th birthday, Saddam Hussein? He is in a room alone, cut off from his wife and relatives -- and that's punishment?"
* * *
"But Saddam says that he doesn't want any gifts for his birthday. No, what Saddam really wants is a California jury, that's what he wants."
* * *
The LATE SHOW with DAVID LETTERMAN, a production of Worldwide Pants Incorporated, is broadcast weeknights (11:35 PM-12:37 AM, ET/PT) on the CBS Television Network. Maria Pope, Barbara Gaines, Rob Burnett and Jude Brennan are the executive producers.
